Thursday, February 16, 2012

Loss of the Familiar

Loss of the Familiar

The hardest part of all this change and loss of direction, is not to resort to the old tactics that worked so well to be successful, the strategies to get what I want (need).  Not only do they no longer work they have become counterproductive and they don’t feel right anymore.  As I grapple with these issues I often feel confused and full of despair.  Confusion means old beliefs are breaking down and the despair is because I no longer know what to do to be effective.  The hard part is to not panic and lash out, basically because I’m so scared.  As I sit with this pain, no answers are emerging; trusting that they will is an exercise in self-control.

To actually change how I react and interact with others and my environment is bringing up old hidden, buried feelings.  I don’t like this at all, it is hard to stay the course and not revert to my familiar.  Reinventing me is hard and I am furious that I have to.  It’s so unfair.  Does this sound like a two year old?  So here I am again up against another critical choice, to stay angry and miserable or find a new way.  I think I would rather just manipulate everyone and whine a lot.  Maybe I’ll join Occupy Wall Street and abdicate all responsibility.  I could, but…that brings its own misery and suffering.  What to do?  There is no blue print for this new world, how do I find my way?

Turns out to be a patchwork of back and forth, fits and starts, not always sure I’m making progress.  The change I’m seeking always involves small risks in the present, risks hard enough to be scary, but not so hard that if I fail would be catastrophic.

What keeps me hanging in?  It’s always the nag in my gut,( I have labeled a "niggle") my value of personal responsibility.  If I cave to the old stuff I feel guilt and shame, two very powerful motives.