Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Your death has
I am gutted
like a steer
has spared me
What I didn’t expect,
had no way
was that the
new depths of
Friday, January 8, 2016
A Bridge Back To Better
There is such an unbridgeable chasm between the bereaved and the non-bereaved that feels sometimes hopeless. But slowly the sun rises and the bridge back has been to never stop grieving.
Friday, December 11, 2015
From the moment of “knowing”
To the end of my life
Her death has turned me
Upside downand inside out making me over
The changes are unseen
As is the pain of her death
As the changes in my mind
As the changes in relationships
As is the earthworm turns the soil
As it always has done
As it aerates the soil
So grief changes everything
Thursday, November 19, 2015
I am so weary of death and dying’
Weary if ISIS growing the club of bereavement
Weary of trying to convince people that the healing is in the grieving.
Weary of the long, unnecessary suffering.
Weary of being embarrassed that I am who I AM
Monday, October 19, 2015
The saddest most alone feeling in the world
Is to be with people I love and that love me
And to feel that forever distance and difference
The longing to go back and be able to belong
Is a physical need that can never be satisfied
Such a mystery of how to be and yet, never be the same
I remember when I didn’t understand others grief
And thought they should just “get over it”
Then Sharon died and I was alone in a different universe
I still am.
Alone is different from loneliness, I am not lonely,
Alone is a place where no one can go with me to comfort or help
Because no one else can see the rips and tears in my soul
No one else can see the hole in my gut
No one else can feel the wrenching, devastating pain of the death of a child
I never know when or why this place will descend on me and consume all joy,
peace or fulfillment. If I don’t fight the need I get through and come out the other side a little wiser and life goes on.
my pain & grief.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Bereavement is a condition that never clears up
No matter how hard I try, it is always there
The changed me
The scoldings for not being over it
Her death is
There is no
That is deeply
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Silence of the grave
Silence surrounds me in my sorrow
Silence because no one wants to hear
Silence because grief is too scary for most
Silence because there are no adequate words
Silence is golden
Silence allows me to redo my point of view
Silence is safe from all the scoldings
Silence is wondering why I keep writing and posting
Silence is a place to die or grow
I didn’t experience “phases of grief;” I just felt overwhelming pain. The phases of grief are: shock and denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. I wish I could be like those people who put their grief somewhere else and never shed a tear. I grieved loudly and often for at least the first year, upsetting many folks that wanted me to shut up and take some pills. That always seemed like a dishonoring of my daughter and her life. She was that dear to me. Not grieving her death would have been to discount that. The stress of being stoic is immense, and a killer of those who choose not to grieve.
That was choice number one on the long journey back from destroyed to rebuilt: simply to grieve.
Grieving is not something we have to learn; it comes with the package, and it is part of the human condition. Evidently, it is an evolutionary mechanism for humans to be able to deal with the pain of grievous loss. We learn to recognize the symptoms and stages. The really hard part is to learn how to express our grief in ways that are healing. Who wants to be sad in such a chirpy culture as ours? Better not to say anything and suffer in silence. But that brings its own problems.