Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Silence



Silence of the grave
Silence surrounds me in my sorrow
Silence because no one wants to hear
Silence because grief is too scary for most
Silence because there are no adequate words

Silence is golden
Silence allows me to redo my point of view
Silence is safe from all the scoldings
Silence is wondering why I keep writing and posting
Silence is a place to die or grow


I didn’t experience “phases of grief;” I just felt overwhelming pain. The phases of grief are: shock and denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. I wish I could be like those people who put their grief somewhere else and never shed a tear. I grieved loudly and often for at least the first year, upsetting many folks that wanted me to shut up and take some pills. That always seemed like a dishonoring of my daughter and her life. She was that dear to me. Not grieving her death would have been to discount that. The stress of being stoic is immense, and a killer of those who choose not to grieve.
That was choice number one on the long journey back from destroyed to rebuilt: simply to grieve.


Grieving is not something we have to learn; it comes with the package, and it is part of the human condition. Evidently, it is an evolutionary mechanism for humans to be able to deal with the pain of grievous loss. We learn to recognize the symptoms and stages. The really hard part is to learn how to express our grief in ways that are healing. Who wants to be sad in such a chirpy culture as ours? Better not to say anything and suffer in silence. But that brings its own problems.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Poem # 1









 I am astonished
by how
stunned
broken
wounded
I am
by my child’s death

I am astonished
by the
depth
breadth
pervasiveness
of my
pain in her loss

I am astonished
by how
the loss
of love
hurts

I am astonished
by how
living
love

heals

Monday, July 20, 2015

Poem # 14








Expanded consciousness
is simply
dealing
with
the
pain
&
living
my
life.

I am able
to be
reduced
to raw, open
pain
&
come back

whole.

Monday, July 6, 2015

I Wish



I wish I could undo her death
I wish I could go back to the old me
I wish I could stop upsetting people
I wish the pain would stop


I am glad you have your child
I am glad you can continue as you
I am glad you can be PC and never upset anyone
I am glad you don’t have that pain

I wish there were no gap between us
I am glad you don’t understand
I wish there were a safe place for me
I am glad you don’t have that search

I wish
                        I wish
                                                I wish…


Monday, June 15, 2015

After The Screaming




                                        If you
cannot
stand
the
screaming,
get out
of
the
way.

You cannot
resurrect
my
dead child.

I cannot
smile
for
you.

I can
only
smile
after
the
screaming.

It seems important to understand that any encounter with a grieving person is unsatisfying. This is so because neither party can give the other what he or she wants. We do not have the power to give back what has been lost, and the grieving person cannot give us the smile and assurance that our help has made everything all right. The greater the loss, the longer this will be true. However, over time our assistance does help. It is analogous to applying salve to a wound. The salve will not magically heal, but over time the salve, plus the healing power of the body, will at some point heal the wound.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

The Flatness



A terrible place to be
Still wishing some days that it had been me instead of her
Wondering what value I have
Still my fault some days
Flat is safe

Like a bag of cement on my back
Being cheery for everyone requires flat some days
Makes me to different to ever really fit in
The longing is deep and sad to just belong and be OK

As I write this, the flatness is lifting
Sometimes the grief is this brief


Saturday, May 23, 2015

Poem # 24




 It is
strange
&
blasphemous,
to say
I
have benefitted
from
the grief
of
my child’s
death.

It is
also
the
truth.





How is that possible?  Because in all that grieving is the rebuilding of a shattered life and mixed in is greater understanding, deeper feelings about everything, including joy.  I also understand my clients better because I have been there.