Thursday, February 9, 2017

The Seven Basic Feelings GLAD



The seven basic feelings are;
Mad
Sad
Glad
Hurt
Afraid
Shame
Hope

Whenever I state these, people always ask me, well, what about love?  I answer that love is the core of everything.  It is called many things, but feeling connected to others and ourselves is our basic humanness.  The other seven are ancillary and help us negotiate the basic problems of love. 

Love is the most basic need of all.  To feel welcomed, valued, honored and accepted (to name a few) is what every one of us hopes to achieve.

Each feeling has its accompanying need and consequence if not met.

So I am going to take each feeling and expand on it a bit in hopes that people can begin to articulate what they are feeling a little better.  That helps a lot in relationships

It always amuses me that if you ask a man what he feels, he will tell you what he thinks and obversely, if you ask a woman what she thinks, she will likely tell you what she thinks.  The integrating of thinking and feelings creates the outcomes we all desire.  Putting who you are back on what you do.

The next feeling on my list is GLAD.  Not as easy as it sounds, at least not for more then a brief time, then back to the grind.  Glad seems to be a transition feeling, and is usually the result of an achievement or other success.  Most of us chase happiness and joy around like trying to find the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, with the same outcome.   

Glad needs celebration.   If that need is not met the person often becomes self-effacing,, withdrawn and may lead to pettiness.  If glad is celebrated, that becomes joy, love and a sense of fulfillment. 

There are so many contradictory messages about glad that it is hard to know how to celebrate at all.  From BE HAPPY, DON’T WORRY, to  “Don’t be a braggart, don’t toot your own horn”, and all in between.  Happiness remains elusive and a moving target.  

A lot of people seem to view being happy, as a permanent state, is achievable.  That is only possible if a person is in what they do and living in the present.


Saturday, January 28, 2017

Poem #35



I hear
your
laughter
see your
smile,
in
my memory
in
my mind.

I
don’t
want
a
memory.

I
want you
alive.


Tuesday, January 17, 2017

On A Shelf









I put My grief On a shelf
In the Back of my heart
in Saran Wrap bundles
so I can feel safe after thirty years of grief

Of course I am not

Nothing is Strong Enough To
Hold it back

for very long

Sunday, January 8, 2017

poem #12





My child died
of drugs,
trying to
expand
her
consciousness.

Dealing with her
death
has
expanded mine
far, far
beyond
&
has
made  reality

possible.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

The Seven Basic Feelings   SAD

The seven basic feelings are;
Mad
Sad
Glad
Hurt
Afraid
Shame
Hope

Whenever I state these, people always ask me, well, what about love?  I answer that love is the core of everything.  It is called many things, but feeling connected to others and ourselves is our basic humanness.  The other seven are ancillary and help us negotiate the basic problems of love. 

Love is the most basic need of all.  To feel welcomed, valued, honored and accepted (to name a few) is what every one of us hopes to achieve.

Each feeling has its accompanying need and consequence if not met.

So I am going to take each feeling and expand on it a bit in hopes that people can begin to articulate what they are feeling a little better.  That helps a lot in relationships

It always amuses me that if you ask a an what he feels, he will tell you what he thinks and obversely, if you ask a woman what she thinks, she will likely tell you what she thinks.  The integrating of thinking and feelings creates the outcomes we all desire.  Putting who you are back on what you do.

The next feeling on the list is SAD.  Sad is also a very basic emotion, so basic that we have to stop little boys from crying as soon as possible, at least before they start kindergarten.   Girls get a pass for being “Tomboys” until about adolescence, then they have to become young ladies.   Hopefully that is changing for males.

There is so much to be said about grief that it is hard to know where to start, given that I have experienced grief as the great heal and simultaneously the most profound change agent available.  As the Bobby “Blue” Bland song goes, “You’ve Got to Hurt Before You Heal” because when humans lose something they value it changes us.

Grief requires comfort and expression.  If those two needs aren’t met people become cynical and, often, bitter.   This usually leads to distancing and further isolation.    If, on the other hand, they are met, healing, recovery and building a new life are possible, even likely.

Part of what makes grief so difficult and tricky is that it is easy to disconnect feelings from the cause.  Nothing turns hostile quicker than unexpressed grief.  Grief goes on longer then we expect or have the patience for because rebuilding after a major loss is slow, hard work.


I remember about five years after my daughters’ death I decided that that was enough grieving on my part, so I didn’t go to the cemetery or do any of my usual honoring of her life that year.  Imagine my surprise when I started hearing from my husband (not her father) “what is wrong with you, you are snappy and hostile in ways we Morrie & David, (my stepson) don’t deserve.  I was very surprised; I didn’t think anything was wrong.  In fact I was proud of myself for my decision.  It took a couple of days to realize that my decision to not honor her and myself was the “cause” of my hostility.    That disconnect happens so fast.  I have learned that I don’t have to do much anymore, just acknowledge the important anniversary dates, then I can move on.

Friday, December 16, 2016

The Seven Basic Feelings



The seven basic feelings are;
Mad
Sad
Glad
Hurt
Afraid
Shame
Hope

Whenever I state these, people always ask me, well, what about love?  I answer that love is the core of everything.  It is called many things, but feeling connected to others and ourselves is our most basic humanness.  The other seven are ancillary and help us negotiate the basic issues surrounding love.  

Love,feeling connected,  is the most basic need of all.  To feel welcomed, valued, honored and accepted (to name a few) is what every one of us hopes to achieve.

Each feeling has its accompanying need and consequence if not met.

So I am going to take each feeling and expand on it a bit in hopes that people can begin to articulate what they are feeling a little better.  That helps a lot in relationships

It always amuses me that if you ask a man what he feels, he will tell you what he thinks and obversely, if you ask a woman what she feels, she will likely tell you what she thinks.  The integrating of thinking and feelings creates the outcomes we all desire.  Putting who you are back on what you do. 

Starting with MAD; Mad needs a target, if that need is not met it becomes rage, passivity/hostility.  If it is met anger becomes assertiveness, and the ability to act on one’s own behalf.



Anger is a natural emotional response to disappointment.  When anger is shut down through intimidation or intellectual co-opting, the unnatural and abnormal response of passivity and/or hostility are created and reinforced

                                       When a discrepancy exists between
                                      Between what I have and what I wan

                                       I should experience and express anger
             
                                 Not expressing anger, leads to;                                                     
  

                  Withdrawal/Passivity .............  ....................................Blame/Hostility                                                                                               
(I don’t care “                                                                                                 “You people screwed
“It doesn’t matter”                                                                                                  me again”






If I can express anger, that leads to;

Assertiveness, which leads to
(the ability to act on one’s own behalf)

Access/Examine/Strategize/Plan, which leads to
(the practical expression of self worth)

Results
(the natural outcome of being able
to express your anger)



Tuesday, December 6, 2016

A Walk Alone

But grief is a walk alone
Others can be there, and listen.  But you will walk
alone down your own path. at your own pace. with
your sheared-off pain, your raw wounds, your
denial, anger, ane bitter loss.  You'll cone to your
own peace, hopefully ...but it will be on your own,
         in your own time

Cathy Lamb
Out of the Ashes