Saturday, April 21, 2018

A Reminder

This month, April, it has been 40 years since I found Sharon’s body, I buried her April 17, 1978.  So, I decided that has been way long enough to be lamenting her death. I put away the memorabilia I keep around to honor her death day and her burial.  All the music I listen to on those days and all the pictures, tokens, cards and memories, safely tucked away in their respective niches where I keep them safe.

Surprise!  The same thing happened when I tried to do this after 5 years, I started feeling angry and unhappy and lost track of why.  The connection to grieving is tenuous and hard to keep in mind.  But the kicker this time was I turned the hostility inward, against my self.   I felt all the guilt about letting everyone down, all the angst about “what ifs” and “if onlys”.

 I began to interpret behavior and remarks as signs that I am unloved and unlovable.
This was a nasty reminder that not staying current with my feeling, especially grief, always leads to even more grief .

So whether it is 5 years or 40 I still have to honor her death and my grief.

That’s true of all humans.  In my practice, the central issue is, astonishingly often, some significant loss.

Don’t listen to those who tell you to “get over it”.  The death of a child is not something one “gets over”.