Wednesday, August 2, 2017

A Loss Too Many



I’ve recovered from a lot
From my only daughter’s death
My son’s choosing different paths from me
Many furry friends along the way
My own parents deaths, and both my in-laws
I am the one in eight woman with breast cancer
Those are the major losses
Many paper cuts on my journey

But this one is the one
That is a loss to many
The loss of my home, my dream, my identity of me.

I can’t find the solid ground I once stood on, so proudly
I can’t find the internal resources to bounce back, this time
There seems no point in going on
My place in life is behind me
I don’t fit in this new world, actually never did fit anywhere
I see no rainbows
        No pot o’ gold
                   No happy ending
                              I’ve gotten to old.

What do I do with that grim truth?
Withdraw from the world?
Lie down and die?
No
         No
                  No
I will let all the small signs of caring, comfort and support patch me up.  I am like a crazy quilt pieced together with the “ties that bind”.  The invisible strands of family, friends and life are stronger then my grief.




Tuesday, July 11, 2017

A Birthday


 Today is Sharon’s 55th birthday, I lost her at 15, and it still hurts, even though I can’t even begin to imagine what she would be like today or what she would be doing.

Would she have been a career woman?  Or a mother, would I have more grandchildren?  Perhaps both? 

These are the eternal questions that stay unanswered and haunt my reveries.

I am continually surprised and confounded by how this grief over time has so profoundly changed me.  I doubt I could capture in words how, as it is still changing me, and is a process that I can’t predict or control.

At the core of my being there is this space that belongs to her and I am never very far from that grief, it is easy to slip into that sadness.  There has grown up around that space a garden of my life that is deep and rich because I so value what I have. I go back again and again to that crooked garden to renew and remind myself that life is still good.

Every year is hard in it’s own way.

But grief is always a walk alone


Sunday, June 25, 2017

What We Get



Our success in life, both personally and professionally is more directly connected to what we believe we deserve then any other factor.  Doesn’t matter how smart or talented or savvy we are, wheat any individual believes he/she deserves will determine their level of success.  That is what moving on is about, changing that belief about what you believe you deserve.  

Most of us live between two perimeters; there is a ceiling and a basement.  If you go above the ceiling you will do what it takes to get back in the safe zone, conversely, if you go below the basement you will find a way back to the acceptable perimeters. 

This is called our comfort zone, or as we talk about, our familiar.  The familiar is an emotional state that has developed over the course of our lifetime that we return to like a magnet.  In fact, returning to the familiar is one of the strongest forces in our lives.  This is why we get stuck and can’t seem to go beyond a certain point when trying to expand our lives.

So, how does one go about creating a new familiar and raising one’s belief in what they deserve?   It’s about letting go those old beliefs and expectations and building a vision of what you want your life to be.   It is a journey, not an event and requires a partner to pull and push each other as you heal from the past wounds.


Saturday, June 3, 2017

The Seven Basic Feelings HOPE



The seven basic feelings are;
Mad
Sad
Glad
Hurt
Afraid
Shame
Hope

Whenever I state these, people always ask me, well, what about love?  I answer that love is the core of everything.  It is called many things, but feeling connected to others and ourselves is our basic humanness.  The other seven are ancillary and help us negotiate the basic problems of love. 

Love is the most basic need of all.  To feel welcomed, valued, honored and accepted (to name a few) is what every one of us hopes to achieve.

Each feeling has its accompanying need and consequence if not met.

So I am going to take each feeling and expand on it a bit in hopes that people can begin to articulate what they are feeling a little better.  That helps a lot in relationships

It always amuses me that if you ask a man what he feels, he will tell you what he thinks and obversely, if you ask a woman what she thinks, she will likely tell you what she feels.  The integrating of thinking and feelings creates the outcomes we all desire.  Putting who you are back on what you do.

The seventh and last feeling to cover here is HOPE.  Hope is like an internal sunrise, overcoming the shadows and darkness. Hope gets us through the roughest times.  Hope needs a vision.  If that need is met it becomes the central driver and keeps a person focused and oriented to achieve the vision.  If the dream is killed off the person tends to become unfocused, scattered and fragmented.  Dream killers are difficult to spot and uncover.

As a kid my hope was that I would survive and the vision was to build a more loving, happy and accepting life for myself.  As I grew up my vision of that life morphed and evolved, most of the time I wasn’t even consciously aware I was doing that, but my dream gently guided my choices. 

Hope kinda brings everything together for most humans and all the other feelings are in service of realizing our dreams.   Every time I strayed from my vision or got discouraged I felt a sorta tap on the shoulder pointing me back in the correct direction, and invariably when I was discourage someone would show up and reignite the hope.   


These days my hope is that I can continue to heal and the world with me.    

Saturday, April 29, 2017

The Seven Basic Feelings SHAME

 The seven basic feelings are;
Mad
Sad
Glad
Hurt
Afraid
Shame
Hope

Whenever I state these, people always ask me, well, what about love?  I answer that love is the core of everything.  It is called many things, but feeling connected to others and ourselves is our basic humanness.  The other seven are ancillary and help us negotiate the basic problems of love. 

Love is the most basic need of all.  To feel welcomed, valued, honored and accepted (to name a few) is what every one of us hopes to achieve.

Each feeling has its accompanying need and consequence if not met.

So I am going to take each feeling and expand on it a bit in hopes that people can begin to articulate what they are feeling a little better.  That helps a lot in relationships

It always amuses me that if you ask a man what he feels, he will tell you what he thinks and obversely, if you ask a woman what she thinks, she will likely tell you what she feels.  The integrating of thinking and feelings creates the outcomes we all desire.  Putting who you are back on what you do.

The sixth feeling, SHAME has been the toughest for me personally.  The thing about shame and guilt is that they are the masters of disguise.  Shame is that terrible moment when the inner eye turns on the self, examines the self and finds the self deficient with no hope of redemption – when you just want to crawl under the bed for oh, say three weeks or so.  Shame is a break in the interpersonal bridge and is very painful.

Shame is hard to talk about because- well we are ashamed.  The mystery is what triggers the shame spiral and what to do about it.   It is often triggered by some push away statement or gesture that seems unimportant and innocuous at the time.

You will seldom see shame in another person; it gets disguised as anger, fear sometimes crying.  We will do almost anything to avoid that horrible sense of any more visibility, because that is the crux of embarrassment, to feel overexposed and vulnerable.  More then any other feeling, shame is a break in the interpersonal bridge and when that is triggered we feel suddenly small, naked and somehow less worthy as a human being.

Shame needs repair of that interpersonal bridge mention above; an apology is often all it takes. If that need is not met, it leads to the avoidance of intimacy, self-denigration and hiding out.  On the other hand if the repair happens the person becomes clear, concise and outspoken.

It has been my experience and observation that shame end shame bound identities controls many people's lives.     


Tuesday, April 4, 2017

The Seven Basic Feelings AFRAID



The seven basic feelings are;
Mad
Sad
Glad
Hurt
Afraid
Shame
Hope

Whenever I state these, people always ask me, well, what about love?  I answer that love is the core of everything.  It is called many things, but feeling connected to others and ourselves is our basic humanness.  The other seven are ancillary and help us negotiate the basic problems of love. 

Love is the most basic need of all.  To feel welcomed, valued, honored and accepted (to name a few) is what every one of us hopes to achieve.

Each feeling has its accompanying need and consequence if not met.

So I am going to take each feeling and expand on it a bit in hopes that people can begin to articulate what they are feeling a little better.  That helps a lot in relationships

It always amuses me that if you ask a man what he feels, he will tell you what he thinks and obversely, if you ask a woman what she thinks, she will likely tell you what she feels.  The integrating of thinking and feelings creates the outcomes we all desire.  Putting who you are back on what you do.

The fifth feeling of the basic feelings is AFRAID.  There are many words for afraid, like terror, horror, nervous, anxious, and panic to name a few.  There are many reasons to be afraid.  The fight-flight reaction has been well documented and studied forever.  There are two kinds of fear, physical and emotional, they both feel pretty much the same, but physical is much easier to identify, emotional, not so much.  The big bug-a-boo seems to be the fear of “something”.  Fear of harm or fear of loss drive much of our behavior, our literature, our music and our conversations. 

Fear, of course needs safety, and if we feel safe we become confident, certain and develop a sense of competence. If that need is not met, we become mistrustful, suspicious or even paranoid. So how does a person find that magical sense of safety, because the world is not a safe place, even with magical  “safe spaces”.


It takes some hard personal work to clear the old expectations out and replace them with current truth.  So the best we can do in the world is to know in ones gut, that whatever happens I can handle it.  Just think of all you have survived and somehow keep going, You have developed skills and strangles and tactics to  negotiate the world.  You can count on that in yourself.  If you have trouble believing that, just keep working on yourself.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

The Seven Basic Feelings HURT



The seven basic feelings are;
Mad
Sad
Glad
Hurt
Afraid
Shame
Hope

Whenever I state these, people always ask me, well, what about love?  I answer that love is the core of everything.  It is called many things, but feeling connected to others and ourselves is our basic humanness.  The other seven are ancillary and help us negotiate the basic problems of love. 

Love is the most basic need of all.  To feel welcomed, valued, honored and accepted (to name a few) is what every one of us hopes to achieve.

Each feeling has its accompanying need and consequence if not met.

So I am going to take each feeling and expand on it a bit in hopes that people can begin to articulate what they are feeling a little better.  That helps a lot in relationships

It always amuses me that if you ask a man what he feels, he will tell you what he thinks and obversely, if you ask a woman what she thinks, she will likely tell you what she thinks.  The integrating of thinking and feelings creates the outcomes we all desire.  Putting who you are back on what you do.

The fourth feeling to talk about is HURT.  As a species we are easily hurt, both physically and emotionally.  Both “hurts” are to let us know that something is wrong.  It is usually easier to tell what is hurting physically then emotionally.  Emotional pain is about some actual or perceived rejection by someone we are connected to and it is important to us keep them around.   This is often where things go off the rails in relationships.  Keeps us all hopping and keeps us all in line.

So what is to be done about hurt feelings?  Hurt needs relief and salve on the wound.  If there is no relief, hurt quickly becomes whining, victimization and constant complaining.  If relief is forthcoming the hurt turns into a learning experience and growth.

The hardest of all answers is to talk about the hurt.  A lot of people are afraid to do this because the belief is that what ever the hurt is can be used against me and just makes the hurting endless.  The alternative possibility is something important is resolved. 

This is an important opportunity in relationships to get closer or start the distancing process. As we have said in our book, love is courage; this can be one of those points.


Thursday, February 9, 2017

The Seven Basic Feelings GLAD



The seven basic feelings are;
Mad
Sad
Glad
Hurt
Afraid
Shame
Hope

Whenever I state these, people always ask me, well, what about love?  I answer that love is the core of everything.  It is called many things, but feeling connected to others and ourselves is our basic humanness.  The other seven are ancillary and help us negotiate the basic problems of love. 

Love is the most basic need of all.  To feel welcomed, valued, honored and accepted (to name a few) is what every one of us hopes to achieve.

Each feeling has its accompanying need and consequence if not met.

So I am going to take each feeling and expand on it a bit in hopes that people can begin to articulate what they are feeling a little better.  That helps a lot in relationships

It always amuses me that if you ask a man what he feels, he will tell you what he thinks and obversely, if you ask a woman what she thinks, she will likely tell you what she thinks.  The integrating of thinking and feelings creates the outcomes we all desire.  Putting who you are back on what you do.

The next feeling on my list is GLAD.  Not as easy as it sounds, at least not for more then a brief time, then back to the grind.  Glad seems to be a transition feeling, and is usually the result of an achievement or other success.  Most of us chase happiness and joy around like trying to find the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, with the same outcome.   

Glad needs celebration.   If that need is not met the person often becomes self-effacing,, withdrawn and may lead to pettiness.  If glad is celebrated, that becomes joy, love and a sense of fulfillment. 

There are so many contradictory messages about glad that it is hard to know how to celebrate at all.  From BE HAPPY, DON’T WORRY, to  “Don’t be a braggart, don’t toot your own horn”, and all in between.  Happiness remains elusive and a moving target.  

A lot of people seem to view being happy, as a permanent state, is achievable.  That is only possible if a person is in what they do and living in the present.


Saturday, January 28, 2017

Poem #35



I hear
your
laughter
see your
smile,
in
my memory
in
my mind.

I
don’t
want
a
memory.

I
want you
alive.


Tuesday, January 17, 2017

On A Shelf









I put My grief On a shelf
In the Back of my heart
in Saran Wrap bundles
so I can feel safe after thirty years of grief

Of course I am not

Nothing is Strong Enough To
Hold it back

for very long

Sunday, January 8, 2017

poem #12





My child died
of drugs,
trying to
expand
her
consciousness.

Dealing with her
death
has
expanded mine
far, far
beyond
&
has
made  reality

possible.