Thursday, April 30, 2015

Rainbow Child

The birth of a child after the death of a child.
 What a wonderful gift
What a terrifying gift.

How do I be with him?
How can I keep him safe?

Shall I hover?
Shall I hide him?

How do I not overwhelm him with my grief?
How do I not have him compete with a ghost?

It’s hard not to over-do or under-do everything.
I hardly know how to be with myself, let alone him

I don’t really have any answers to my questions.
Except what I have learned from her death.

Be there, be real and let him be a part of my life
So I stumble along and finally am able to let others help

I don’t have to do it alone

Thanks for helping me with my Rainbow Child

Friday, April 17, 2015

April 17

Another year has come and gone
And you are still gone
Buried on this day
Under a tree, by a stream
Beautiful place to sit and wait
As the pain echoes with each beat of my heart

Later I will get up and walk away to rejoin my life
But for now I sit under the tree, by the stream with you
Every year is the same and you are still gone, it’s been so long
No more whys, no more guilt or blame
Just me and my grief for evermore
And you are still gone.

As another year has come and gone

Monday, April 13, 2015

Poem #2

Poem #2

Here I am again

This is April 13, 2015, thirty-seven years since I found my daughter's body.  People are really, really sure I should get over it by now.  Well I certainly have gotten on with my life.  I have had a very rich, deep and productive 36 years, but I am still not over “It”.

Yup, it is still a downer and I am sad on this day and April 17, the day I buried her.

I still wonder what she would be like had she lived, she would be 51 this year.  I wonder if I would have grandchildren or if she would have been a career woman.

The rest of my life will be devoted to creating Grief Centers for bereaved people so more can heal and have the rewarding life I have had.  I know that because I had a safe place to keen and wail is the core of my healing.

                                     Your death has
split me
wide open,
I am gutted
like a  steer
freshly slaughtered.

Your death
has spared me
in horror,
in terror.
in guilt.

What I didn’t expect,
had no way
of knowing,
was that the
depth I
plummeted to
also find
new depths of