Friday, December 11, 2015
From the moment of “knowing”
To the end of my life
Her death has turned me
Upside downand inside out making me over
The changes are unseen
As is the pain of her death
As the changes in my mind
As the changes in relationships
As is the earthworm turns the soil
As it always has done
As it aerates the soil
So grief changes everything
Thursday, November 19, 2015
I am so weary of death and dying’
Weary if ISIS growing the club of bereavement
Weary of trying to convince people that the healing is in the grieving.
Weary of the long, unnecessary suffering.
Weary of being embarrassed that I am who I AM
Monday, October 19, 2015
The saddest most alone feeling in the world
Is to be with people I love and that love me
And to feel that forever distance and difference
The longing to go back and be able to belong
Is a physical need that can never be satisfied
Such a mystery of how to be and yet, never be the same
I remember when I didn’t understand others grief
And thought they should just “get over it”
Then Sharon died and I was alone in a different universe
I still am.
Alone is different from loneliness, I am not lonely,
Alone is a place where no one can go with me to comfort or help
Because no one else can see the rips and tears in my soul
No one else can see the hole in my gut
No one else can feel the wrenching, devastating pain of the death of a child
I never know when or why this place will descend on me and consume all joy,
peace or fulfillment. If I don’t fight the need I get through and come out the other side a little wiser and life goes on.
my pain & grief.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Bereavement is a condition that never clears up
No matter how hard I try, it is always there
The changed me
The scoldings for not being over it
Her death is
There is no
That is deeply
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Silence of the grave
Silence surrounds me in my sorrow
Silence because no one wants to hear
Silence because grief is too scary for most
Silence because there are no adequate words
Silence is golden
Silence allows me to redo my point of view
Silence is safe from all the scoldings
Silence is wondering why I keep writing and posting
Silence is a place to die or grow
I didn’t experience “phases of grief;” I just felt overwhelming pain. The phases of grief are: shock and denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. I wish I could be like those people who put their grief somewhere else and never shed a tear. I grieved loudly and often for at least the first year, upsetting many folks that wanted me to shut up and take some pills. That always seemed like a dishonoring of my daughter and her life. She was that dear to me. Not grieving her death would have been to discount that. The stress of being stoic is immense, and a killer of those who choose not to grieve.
That was choice number one on the long journey back from destroyed to rebuilt: simply to grieve.
Grieving is not something we have to learn; it comes with the package, and it is part of the human condition. Evidently, it is an evolutionary mechanism for humans to be able to deal with the pain of grievous loss. We learn to recognize the symptoms and stages. The really hard part is to learn how to express our grief in ways that are healing. Who wants to be sad in such a chirpy culture as ours? Better not to say anything and suffer in silence. But that brings its own problems.
Saturday, August 8, 2015
I am astonished
by my child’s death
I am astonished
pain in her loss
I am astonished
I am astonished
Monday, July 20, 2015
I am able
to raw, open
Monday, July 6, 2015
I wish I could undo her death
I wish I could go back to the old me
I wish I could stop upsetting people
I wish the pain would stop
I am glad you have your child
I am glad you can continue as you
I am glad you can be PC and never upset anyone
I am glad you don’t have that pain
I wish there were no gap between us
I am glad you don’t understand
I wish there were a safe place for me
I am glad you don’t have that search
Monday, June 15, 2015
It seems important to understand that any encounter with a grieving person is unsatisfying. This is so because neither party can give the other what he or she wants. We do not have the power to give back what has been lost, and the grieving person cannot give us the smile and assurance that our help has made everything all right. The greater the loss, the longer this will be true. However, over time our assistance does help. It is analogous to applying salve to a wound. The salve will not magically heal, but over time the salve, plus the healing power of the body, will at some point heal the wound.
Saturday, June 6, 2015
A terrible place to be
Still wishing some days that it had been me instead of her
Wondering what value I have
Still my fault some days
Flat is safe
Like a bag of cement on my back
Being cheery for everyone requires flat some days
Makes me to different to ever really fit in
The longing is deep and sad to just belong and be OK
As I write this, the flatness is lifting
Sometimes the grief is this brief
Saturday, May 23, 2015
How is that possible? Because in all that grieving is the rebuilding of a shattered life and mixed in is greater understanding, deeper feelings about everything, including joy. I also understand my clients better because I have been there.
Thursday, April 30, 2015
The birth of a child after the death of a child.
What a wonderful gift
What a terrifying gift.
How do I be with him?
How can I keep him safe?
Shall I hover?
Shall I hide him?
How do I not overwhelm him with my grief?
How do I not have him compete with a ghost?
It’s hard not to over-do or under-do everything.
I hardly know how to be with myself, let alone him
I don’t really have any answers to my questions.
Except what I have learned from her death.
Be there, be real and let him be a part of my life
So I stumble along and finally am able to let others help
I don’t have to do it alone
Thanks for helping me with my Rainbow Child
Friday, April 17, 2015
Another year has come and gone
And you are still gone
Buried on this day
Under a tree, by a stream
Beautiful place to sit and wait
As the pain echoes with each beat of my heart
Later I will get up and walk away to rejoin my life
But for now I sit under the tree, by the stream with you
Every year is the same and you are still gone, it’s been so long
No more whys, no more guilt or blame
Just me and my grief for evermore
And you are still gone.
As another year has come and gone
Monday, April 13, 2015
Here I am again
This is April 13, 2015, thirty-seven years since I found my daughter's body. People are really, really sure I should get over it by now. Well I certainly have gotten on with my life. I have had a very rich, deep and productive 36 years, but I am still not over “It”.
Yup, it is still a downer and I am sad on this day and April 17, the day I buried her.
I still wonder what she would be like had she lived, she would be 51 this year. I wonder if I would have grandchildren or if she would have been a career woman.
The rest of my life will be devoted to creating Grief Centers for bereaved people so more can heal and have the rewarding life I have had. I know that because I had a safe place to keen and wail is the core of my healing.
Your death has
I am gutted
like a steer
has spared me
What I didn’t expect,
had no way
was that the
new depths of
Thursday, March 19, 2015
The restrictions against grieving are numerous and powerful, and start very early in the socialization of children. I think that those taboos are there because the art of grieving changes a person, from one state of existence to another, like boiling water into steam. But steam can be condensed back into water; the changing people isirreversible and permanent. I am awed by the powerful taboos against grieving. I know about this from my work with people and my own struggles to grieve openly.
People have often expressed a deep, abiding fear that if they start grieving they will never stop—or worse, just be stuck in a funk. I have never worked with a person that didn’t continue with his or her life as usual while going through this healing process. I have deep respect for those who make that choice. I see how much strength and courage it takes to be that vulnerable and exposed.
What I would like to see happen with my book is the creation of safe places for people to grieve without being interrupted or scolded. The only partially safe place is a cemetery. It would be nice to bring back the notion of the ancient Wailing Wall. The only thing I have ever experienced that even comes close to what I would hope for is the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall in DC. Loved ones are permitted to bring little memorials and at least weep quietly. I would wish for every bereaved person a safe place for deep, healing grief and reflection, in the daunting work of rebuilding a life.
I hope my book will helped you make some sense of your journey, and let a little sunshine in through the clouds.