Examples of "The Rules of Grief"

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I’ve been thinking that I should expand and explain and give examples about the rules of grief.

It seems to me that grief is an evolutionary function that works like vomiting for illnesses.  It serves the purpose of getting rid of toxins so healing can occur.  Number 1 and 2 on my list of hated things to do are throwing up and grieving It is possible to control both with the result that recovery is compromised and relationships are damaged.

For example, The wife of one of my clients was diagnosed with rectal cancer, which is brutal in the treatment and the recovery.  They have four adult children and an elderly dog.  He is a in the insurance business as a salesman and manager. She is a busy housewife and mother.  She had the surgery followed by many rounds of chemotherapy and radiation. Everything seemed to be going fine.  She was recovering and his practice was thriving.  The kids were all a way at school and the dog brought great comfort and joy.  The problem was that his sinus problems kept getting worse and worse.  Does anybody see any connection?  Let me make a few.

1. They were both scared that she wouldn’t make it.  Loss of certainty

2. They didn’t want to upset each other.  Loss of honesty

3. They really had to depend on each other. Loss of independence

4. They couldn’t’ share their deepest feelings because they had no words. Loss of intimacy

5. They were both disappointed that their lives had been upended in more ways than they could count.  Loss of self esteem

6. They were ashamed of most of these feelings.  Loss of self

7. They both felt utterly helpless, and they were, to make things better.  Loss of power

It took a lot of talking and digging to surface these loses.  It is hard when for a lifetime we are taught to be stoic and never give in.  The hardest part was to help him with the deep shame that he should have these feelings when the stakes were so high, let alone if at all. After several weeks of pushing and prodding he began to make some of these connections on his own.

A major hurdle for my client was to even entertain the idea that, perhaps, just perhaps, his wife might have some of the same feelings and concerns that he had.   To be able to talk to each other about these unusual internal secrets was an act of great courage.  As they were slowly, painfully able to begin talking and sharing with each other, his sinus problem kept getting better and her recovery progressed more evenly. 

Grief Is Not A Joint Venture

Chapter 1

Grief Is Not A Joint Venture

Grief is a lonely, isolating event, no matter what the loss.  Grief gets more people in trouble with themselves and others than any other problem.  It’s easy to get focused on sex, or money or “You are just a jerk” because those are things you can do something about.  You can’t bring back something lost.  Since all change is loss, we live in a time when we are constantly losing something or someone. 

Often, we are surprised and taken aback when our partner and others we rely on aren’t “helpful” at all.  In fact, they seem to be at odds with what we need.   For example; we recently moved from Montana to California to be near our children and grandkids. We lived in Montana for 20 years, so leaving was difficult, even though it was our choice and desire to be nearer our family as we age.  

Leaving Montana was more difficult then we had “planned” for.   This was our dream home on lots of property that we had lovingly “parked out” to be a wildlife refuge and a place for people to meet and renew themselves.  We happily achieved both those goals, but as we got in our 60’s and slid into our 70’s, we just couldn’t manage the enterprise well any longer.  It also was emerging that our health is fading, and it would be smart to close down our dream in Montana and rebuild our lives near our kids, while we were still young and healthy enough to rebuild.

That move turned out to be more painful and difficult than we anticipated.

I have lost count of the number of times I have had to rebuild my life.  Certainly, after the death of my daughter, then breast cancer, then parents and many furry friends.  It is always the same whatever the loss.  It has taken a while to realize that people really haven’t let me down, there is just not much anyone can do except walk by my side.  It has been an unpleasant truth that Morrie and I have to be very careful to remember what the real cause of our dissent I and not descend into bickering and squabbling over nonsense. 

The feelings are often intense and immediate, so it is often hard to pull back and realize that the real source of my pain is because I miss what is lost. 

No, grief is not a joint venture. 

            

Living In A Mayonnaise Jar

After 40 years of being an outsider, because being a bereaved parent makes me an outsider, I am going back to live in my old Mayonnaise jar.  I am really tired of living in a hostile environment.  I can’t remember when anyone asked me how I am doing or said her name or remembered her birthday, let alone any other important dates.

I really don’t blame anyone or expect them to understand because grief is a walk alone.   But for today I can curl up and feel safe, cry if I want to.  I can see everyone, hear everyone and even smell the roses, but on one can touch me in here or tell me I should be over it by now.  Which of your children would you give up? 

This dark, lonely place I am in today must be honored and fully embraced, then I can break the glass and rejoin the world.   If I don’t I will stay safe and apart from any more pain and any more joy.

At This Time...

For Las Vegas, for Puerto Rico, for Florida, for Texas, for America

There is no such thing as enough

There is nothing to say that is enough

There is no place that is safe enough

All we can do is offer our hand in the dark

They will be unaffected, keep offering

They will push us away, keep offering

When my daughter died I wondered why people weren’t helping me.  It took almost a year to realize that everyone had been helping.  It just didn’t feel like it to me.  The pain and impact is that great, and the devastation is irrevocable. 

The help is like salve on a wound, not instant healing, but every dab, or pat on the arm, adds up over time to the healing.  The scars are always there and the change is permanent.

Poem #35

I hear

your

laughter

see your

smile,

in

my memory

in

my mind.

I

don’t

want

a

memory.

I

want you

alive.

A Walk Alone

But grief is a walk alone
Others can be there, and listen.  But you will walk
alone down your own path. at your own pace. with
your sheared-off pain, your raw wounds, your
denial, anger, ane bitter loss.  You'll cone to your
own peace, hopefully ...but it will be on your own,
         in your own time

Cathy Lamb
Out of the Ashes

On The Other Side Of Grief (continued)

     This parallel process, between the bereft person and the helping person, is important not only to help the grieving person recover, but also to accommodate and create the inevitable new relationship with the bereft person.  Significant loss irrevocably changes people and therefore any and all relationships.  So part of the helping process is to accept the changed person and relationship along with their loss.

     There is so much to say about loss because the range of emotions and behaviors is so enormous.  Much has been written in recent years about the stages of grief that have become part of the common wisdom and seem pretty accurate.  However, the mourner

does not experience stages - just feelings.  Often these are strange, unfamiliar and very intense feelings that people have spent a lifetime learning to control.  So reassurance is one of the first responses anyone can give.  It is often helpful for people to at least understand what is happening to them.  Then they do not have the added burden of thinking something is wrong with them. What is "wrong," is that they have lost something or someone significant.

     It seems important to understand that any encounter with a grieving person is unsatisfying.  This is so because neither party can give the other what they want.  We do not have the power to give back what has been lost, and the grieving person cannot give us the smile and assurance that our help has made everything all right.  The greater the loss, the longer this will be true.  However, over time our help does help.  It is analogous to applying salve to a wound.  The salve will not magically heal, but over time the salve plus the healing power of the body, will at some point heal the wound.