A Deep Blue Christmas: Dealing with Extreme Grief at the Holidays

For those who’ve recently lost someone they deeply loved, this is the season of struggles.  Here are some short tips on how to grieve when the world is trimming trees and singing carols

While it’s hard to quantify grief, to say ‘my loss trumps your loss,’ we all know there are losses that sadden and there are losses that devastate.   The first Christmas or Hanukkah after a devastating loss—really any ‘first’ without the loved one—can be almost unbearably painful. The holidays create idealized expectations that can’t possibly be met. For those experiencing extreme grief, this time of year isn’t just a let down; it’s a painful reminder of what you no longer have. I remember being so angry that first Christmas because everyone was laughing and sharing and I had to visit my child at the cemetery.

If you’re suffering from extreme grief, here are some tips on how can you survive the holidays.

Break down when you need to break down. (Yes, even in the middle of the office Christmas party.) Grief doesn’t always arrive at convenient times, but it should not be squelched. Find a bathroom or go outside, but cry and scream if you have to. 

Never fake it, “Never soldier through it. Only by “riding the waves” of grief, even when makes others uncomfortable, can you ever begin to heal.”

If you feel like going to the holiday event, go. If you don’t, don’t. “Grief ebbs and flows, and often after a period of intense crying you will feel okay for a while,” says Shechtman. “If you’re in an ‘ebb’ and think you might enjoy Candlelight service, then go. Take grief as it comes.”

Forget seasonal “obligations.” Take care of yourself first.  “If you just can’t show up for a holiday dinner, it’s okay,” says Shechtman. “If you can’t face shopping for your grandchildren, don’t. They have too much stuff anyway! Those who care about you will understand.”

When you need to, call someone on your “List of 10.” Historically, extreme loss was handled in the context of family, friends, church and community. In our current culture families are scattered and fragmented and communities and churches have been devalued. That’s why Shechtman suggests cobbling together a list of 10 people you trust who agree to be there when you need them—even at 2 am.

“After Sharon died I would call the people on my list, one by one, to see if they were up to my grief at the moment,” she says. “Grief requires comfort, a hard thing to keep asking for.”

Find a way to honor your lost loved one during the holidays.  Hang a stocking for her.  Prepare his favorite meal. Do something meaningful to bring the person’s presence into the holidays.

“These rituals help you process the loss rather than trying to squelch or deny it,” says Shechtman.

Do something that brings you pleasure or comfort.   It doesn’t have to be holiday related.  Go for a snowy hike, or visit a spa, or pet cats at the local animal shelter. The fact that you’re grieving doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy life.

“This last point is the hardest to believe, but it’s true,” notes Shechtman.  “You’ll think, ‘I’ll never be happy again.’ You will.  Maybe not this Christmas or Hanukkah. Maybe not next year. But eventually, you will.

“Making the choice to grieve—and it’s one you must make again and again for the rest of your life—expands your capacity for joy and brings new richness to relationships,” she adds. “If nothing else sustains you this holiday season, hold on to this. Life will never been the same, but it will be good again.”

Whenever There Is A Big Loss...

Whenever there is a big loss in our lives it requires certain responses, whether we like it or not.   Our freedom is simply in how we choose to handle those requirements.

The most basic choice is whether to take the risk of loving again.  Knowing that you could lose again, it is a very difficult choice.

The other big choice is weather to honor the loss by continuing to grieve.  It may actually be the same choice in different words.  But to not honor a significant loss leads to bitterness and cynicism.  Not grieving over time isolates and distances one from comfort and healing.

I had a hard time myself after Sharon died and later I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  I had trouble reconciling those two critical events in my life.  I remember the mental image I had of an internal earthquake and me sitting on the ground going through the rubble that used to be my life.  What should I keep, what should I discard?  Why even bother, it was too much to wrap my head around.  It seemed, at that time, that every time I rebuilt, some new thing hit me.  So I wallowed around in that place for a while, basically sidelining myself from reengaging with much.  That felt very safe and somewhat secure.  Then I began to feel restless and lonely, that dilemma tugged at me for months.  I went back and forth like a yo-yo, break out of my safe shell, or sit down and stay safe.  I remember the choice came quietly one day while walking in Montana.  Life is going to go on weather I do or not, so I may as well join. 

All of us have to make that choice in one form or another, many times over a lifetime.  I have to remind myself that the “ties that bind”, the invisible strands of family, friends and life  are stronger then my grief.

Poem #5

 I came in one day

&

found Sharon dead

&

I went mad.

Because you were there

&

let me have

my

madness

&

grief

I am healing.

Thank you.

At This Time...

For Las Vegas, for Puerto Rico, for Florida, for Texas, for America

There is no such thing as enough

There is nothing to say that is enough

There is no place that is safe enough

All we can do is offer our hand in the dark

They will be unaffected, keep offering

They will push us away, keep offering

When my daughter died I wondered why people weren’t helping me.  It took almost a year to realize that everyone had been helping.  It just didn’t feel like it to me.  The pain and impact is that great, and the devastation is irrevocable. 

The help is like salve on a wound, not instant healing, but every dab, or pat on the arm, adds up over time to the healing.  The scars are always there and the change is permanent.

On Being Bereaved in a "Chirpy" Culture

“Don’t Worry, Be Happy’ seems to be our national hymn.  It will be interesting to see how that comes back after the hurricanes this summer and the massacre in Los Vegas.  But I am confident it will, as I believe the investment in the stats quo is that powerful.

In the face of that powerful edict, how does one stay true to oneself and the equally powerful need to heal/grieve?  It ain’t easy, as the saying goes.  But it is possible.  Basically we find pockets of those that are more real and authentic.  It is easier now than when Sharon died due to the Internet and social media that has happened in the 40 years since her death.  There are many sites and local groups that I had no access to.

Even so;

But grief is a walk alone. Others can be there.

But you will walk alone down your own path, at your own pace, with your sheared-off pain, your raw wounds, your denial, anger and bitter loss.

You’ll come to your own peace, hopefully…but it will be on your own, in your own time

Cathy Lamb

I would add that the walk alone sets us apart from others that I hope they never have to understand—yet the longing to belong is great and adds to the loneliness of "the walk alone".

I Am Out of Ideas

After 20,000 clicks and likes I still haven’t heard a word from anyone.  No hurrahs, no boos, just silence. 

I don’t know who my audience is

I don’t know if I have any impact

Don’t know if it matters.

I guess it really doesn’t matter as long as the clicks and likes keep appearing.

A hundred clicks here, a hundred likes there, it all adds up.

So why do I keep writing and posting?   Because when I was newly bereaved I didn’t have the energy or any interest in engaging anyone myself.  But I really appreciate, to this day, those that kept writing even if I couldn’t respond.

So, I’m out of ideas for the moment, but they will come.

A Loss Too Many

I’ve recovered from a lot

From my only daughter’s death

My son’s choosing different paths from me

Many furry friends along the way

My own parents deaths, and both my in-laws

I am the one in eight woman with breast cancer

Those are the major losses

Many paper cuts on my journey

But this one is the one

That is a loss to many

The loss of my home, my dream, my identity of me.

I can’t find the solid ground I once stood on, so proudly

I can’t find the internal resources to bounce back, this time

There seems no point in going on

My place in life is behind me

I don’t fit in this new world, actually never did fit anywhere

I see no rainbows

        No pot o’ gold

                   No happy ending

                              I’ve gotten to old.

What do I do with that grim truth?

Withdraw from the world?

Lie down and die?

No

         No

                  No

I will let all the small signs of caring, comfort and support patch me up.  I am like a crazy quilt pieced together with the “ties that bind”.  The invisible strands of family, friends and life are stronger then my grief.

A Birthday

 Today is Sharon’s 55^th birthday, I lost her at 15, and it still hurts, even though I can’t even begin to imagine what she would be like today or what she would be doing.

Would she have been a career woman?  Or a mother, would I have more grandchildren?  Perhaps both? 

These are the eternal questions that stay unanswered and haunt my reveries.

I am continually surprised and confounded by how this grief over time has so profoundly changed me.  I doubt I could capture in words how, as it is still changing me, and is a process that I can’t predict or control.

At the core of my being there is this space that belongs to her and I am never very far from that grief, it is easy to slip into that sadness.  There has grown up around that space a garden of my life that is deep and rich because I so value what I have. I go back again and again to that crooked garden to renew and remind myself that life is still good.

Every year is hard in it’s own way.

But grief is always a walk alone

What We Get

Our success in life, both personally and professionally is more directly connected to what we believe we deserve then any other factor.  Doesn’t matter how smart or talented or savvy we are, wheat any individual believes he/she deserves will determine their level of success.  That is what moving on is about, changing that belief about what you believe you deserve.  

Most of us live between two perimeters; there is a ceiling and a basement.  If you go above the ceiling you will do what it takes to get back in the safe zone, conversely, if you go below the basement you will find a way back to the acceptable perimeters. 

This is called our comfort zone, or as we talk about, our familiar.  The familiar is an emotional state that has developed over the course of our lifetime that we return to like a magnet.  In fact, returning to the familiar is one of the strongest forces in our lives.  This is why we get stuck and can’t seem to go beyond a certain point when trying to expand our lives.

So, how does one go about creating a new familiar and raising one’s belief in what they deserve?   It’s about letting go those old beliefs and expectations and building a vision of what you want your life to be.   It is a journey, not an event and requires a partner to pull and push each other as you heal from the past wounds.

The Seven Basic Feelings HOPE

The seven basic feelings are;

Mad

Sad

Glad

Hurt

Afraid

Shame

Hope

Whenever I state these, people always ask me, well, what about love?  I answer that love is the core of everything.  It is called many things, but feeling connected to others and ourselves is our basic humanness.  The other seven are ancillary and help us negotiate the basic problems of love. 

Love is the most basic need of all.  To feel welcomed, valued, honored and accepted (to name a few) is what every one of us hopes to achieve.

Each feeling has its accompanying need and consequence if not met.

So I am going to take each feeling and expand on it a bit in hopes that people can begin to articulate what they are feeling a little better.  That helps a lot in relationships

It always amuses me that if you ask a man what he feels, he will tell you what he thinks and obversely, if you ask a woman what she thinks, she will likely tell you what she feels.  The integrating of thinking and feelings creates the outcomes we all desire.  Putting who you are back on what you do.

The seventh and last feeling to cover here is HOPE.  Hope is like an internal sunrise, overcoming the shadows and darkness. Hope gets us through the roughest times.  Hope needs a vision.  If that need is met it becomes the central driver and keeps a person focused and oriented to achieve the vision.  If the dream is killed off the person tends to become unfocused, scattered and fragmented.  Dream killers are difficult to spot and uncover.

As a kid my hope was that I would survive and the vision was to build a more loving, happy and accepting life for myself.  As I grew up my vision of that life morphed and evolved, most of the time I wasn’t even consciously aware I was doing that, but my dream gently guided my choices. 

Hope kinda brings everything together for most humans and all the other feelings are in service of realizing our dreams.   Every time I strayed from my vision or got discouraged I felt a sorta tap on the shoulder pointing me back in the correct direction, and invariably when I was discourage someone would show up and reignite the hope.   

These days my hope is that I can continue to heal and the world with me.    

The Seven Basic Feelings SHAME

 The seven basic feelings are;

Mad

Sad

Glad

Hurt

Afraid

Shame

Hope

Whenever I state these, people always ask me, well, what about love?  I answer that love is the core of everything.  It is called many things, but feeling connected to others and ourselves is our basic humanness.  The other seven are ancillary and help us negotiate the basic problems of love. 

Love is the most basic need of all.  To feel welcomed, valued, honored and accepted (to name a few) is what every one of us hopes to achieve.

Each feeling has its accompanying need and consequence if not met.

So I am going to take each feeling and expand on it a bit in hopes that people can begin to articulate what they are feeling a little better.  That helps a lot in relationships

It always amuses me that if you ask a man what he feels, he will tell you what he thinks and obversely, if you ask a woman what she thinks, she will likely tell you what she feels.  The integrating of thinking and feelings creates the outcomes we all desire.  Putting who you are back on what you do.

The sixth feeling, SHAME has been the toughest for me personally.  The thing about shame and guilt is that they are the masters of disguise.  Shame is that terrible moment when the inner eye turns on the self, examines the self and finds the self deficient with no hope of redemption – when you just want to crawl under the bed for oh, say three weeks or so.  Shame is a break in the interpersonal bridge and is very painful.

Shame is hard to talk about because- well we are ashamed.  The mystery is what triggers the shame spiral and what to do about it.   It is often triggered by some push away statement or gesture that seems unimportant and innocuous at the time.

You will seldom see shame in another person; it gets disguised as anger, fear sometimes crying.  We will do almost anything to avoid that horrible sense of any more visibility, because that is the crux of embarrassment, to feel overexposed and vulnerable.  More then any other feeling, shame is a break in the interpersonal bridge and when that is triggered we feel suddenly small, naked and somehow less worthy as a human being.

Shame needs repair of that interpersonal bridge mention above; an apology is often all it takes. If that need is not met, it leads to the avoidance of intimacy, self-denigration and hiding out.  On the other hand if the repair happens the person becomes clear, concise and outspoken.

It has been my experience and observation that shame end shame bound identities controls many people's lives.     

The Seven Basic Feelings AFRAID

The seven basic feelings are;

Mad

Sad

Glad

Hurt

Afraid

Shame

Hope

Whenever I state these, people always ask me, well, what about love?  I answer that love is the core of everything.  It is called many things, but feeling connected to others and ourselves is our basic humanness.  The other seven are ancillary and help us negotiate the basic problems of love. 

Love is the most basic need of all.  To feel welcomed, valued, honored and accepted (to name a few) is what every one of us hopes to achieve.

Each feeling has its accompanying need and consequence if not met.

So I am going to take each feeling and expand on it a bit in hopes that people can begin to articulate what they are feeling a little better.  That helps a lot in relationships

It always amuses me that if you ask a man what he feels, he will tell you what he thinks and obversely, if you ask a woman what she thinks, she will likely tell you what she feels.  The integrating of thinking and feelings creates the outcomes we all desire.  Putting who you are back on what you do.

The fifth feeling of the basic feelings is AFRAID.  There are many words for afraid, like terror, horror, nervous, anxious, and panic to name a few.  There are many reasons to be afraid.  The fight-flight reaction has been well documented and studied forever.  There are two kinds of fear, physical and emotional, they both feel pretty much the same, but physical is much easier to identify, emotional, not so much.  The big bug-a-boo seems to be the fear of “something”.  Fear of harm or fear of loss drive much of our behavior, our literature, our music and our conversations. 

Fear, of course needs safety, and if we feel safe we become confident, certain and develop a sense of competence. If that need is not met, we become mistrustful, suspicious or even paranoid. So how does a person find that magical sense of safety, because the world is not a safe place, even with magical  “safe spaces”.

It takes some hard personal work to clear the old expectations out and replace them with current truth.  So the best we can do in the world is to know in ones gut, that whatever happens I can handle it.  Just think of all you have survived and somehow keep going, You have developed skills and strangles and tactics to  negotiate the world.  You can count on that in yourself.  If you have trouble believing that, just keep working on yourself.

The Seven Basic Feelings HURT

The seven basic feelings are;

Mad

Sad

Glad

Hurt

Afraid

Shame

Hope

Whenever I state these, people always ask me, well, what about love?  I answer that love is the core of everything.  It is called many things, but feeling connected to others and ourselves is our basic humanness.  The other seven are ancillary and help us negotiate the basic problems of love. 

Love is the most basic need of all.  To feel welcomed, valued, honored and accepted (to name a few) is what every one of us hopes to achieve.

Each feeling has its accompanying need and consequence if not met.

So I am going to take each feeling and expand on it a bit in hopes that people can begin to articulate what they are feeling a little better.  That helps a lot in relationships

It always amuses me that if you ask a man what he feels, he will tell you what he thinks and obversely, if you ask a woman what she thinks, she will likely tell you what she thinks.  The integrating of thinking and feelings creates the outcomes we all desire.  Putting who you are back on what you do.

The fourth feeling to talk about is HURT.  As a species we are easily hurt, both physically and emotionally.  Both “hurts” are to let us know that something is wrong.  It is usually easier to tell what is hurting physically then emotionally.  Emotional pain is about some actual or perceived rejection by someone we are connected to and it is important to us keep them around.   This is often where things go off the rails in relationships.  Keeps us all hopping and keeps us all in line.

So what is to be done about hurt feelings?  Hurt needs relief and salve on the wound.  If there is no relief, hurt quickly becomes whining, victimization and constant complaining.  If relief is forthcoming the hurt turns into a learning experience and growth.

The hardest of all answers is to talk about the hurt.  A lot of people are afraid to do this because the belief is that what ever the hurt is can be used against me and just makes the hurting endless.  The alternative possibility is something important is resolved. 

This is an important opportunity in relationships to get closer or start the distancing process. As we have said in our book, love is courage; this can be one of those points.

The Seven Basic Feelings GLAD

The seven basic feelings are;

Mad

Sad

Glad

Hurt

Afraid

Shame

Hope

Whenever I state these, people always ask me, well, what about love?  I answer that love is the core of everything.  It is called many things, but feeling connected to others and ourselves is our basic humanness.  The other seven are ancillary and help us negotiate the basic problems of love. 

Love is the most basic need of all.  To feel welcomed, valued, honored and accepted (to name a few) is what every one of us hopes to achieve.

Each feeling has its accompanying need and consequence if not met.

So I am going to take each feeling and expand on it a bit in hopes that people can begin to articulate what they are feeling a little better.  That helps a lot in relationships

It always amuses me that if you ask a man what he feels, he will tell you what he thinks and obversely, if you ask a woman what she thinks, she will likely tell you what she thinks.  The integrating of thinking and feelings creates the outcomes we all desire.  Putting who you are back on what you do.

The next feeling on my list is GLAD.  Not as easy as it sounds, at least not for more then a brief time, then back to the grind.  Glad seems to be a transition feeling, and is usually the result of an achievement or other success.  Most of us chase happiness and joy around like trying to find the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, with the same outcome.   

Glad needs celebration.   If that need is not met the person often becomes self-effacing,, withdrawn and may lead to pettiness.  If glad is celebrated, that becomes joy, love and a sense of fulfillment. 

There are so many contradictory messages about glad that it is hard to know how to celebrate at all.  From BE HAPPY, DON’T WORRY, to  “Don’t be a braggart, don’t toot your own horn”, and all in between.  Happiness remains elusive and a moving target.  

A lot of people seem to view being happy, as a permanent state, is achievable.  That is only possible if a person is in what they do and living in the present.

Poem #35

I hear

your

laughter

see your

smile,

in

my memory

in

my mind.

I

don’t

want

a

memory.

I

want you

alive.

On A Shelf

I put My grief On a shelf

In the Back of my heart

in Saran Wrap bundles

so I can feel safe after thirty years of grief

Of course I am not

Nothing is Strong Enough To

Hold it back

for very long