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The seven basic feelings are;
Mad
Sad
Glad
Hurt
Afraid
Shame
Hope
Whenever I state these, people always ask me, well, what
about love? I answer that love is
the core of everything. It is
called many things, but feeling connected to others and ourselves is our basic
humanness. The other seven are
ancillary and help us negotiate the basic problems of love.
Love is the most basic need of all. To feel welcomed, valued, honored and
accepted (to name a few) is what every one of us hopes to achieve.
Each feeling has its accompanying need and consequence if
not met.
So I am going to take each feeling and expand on it a bit in
hopes that people can begin to articulate what they are feeling a little
better. That helps a lot in
relationships
It always amuses me that if you ask a man what he feels, he
will tell you what he thinks and obversely, if you ask a woman what she thinks,
she will likely tell you what she thinks.
The integrating of thinking and feelings creates the outcomes we all
desire. Putting who you are back
on what you do.
The fourth feeling to talk about is HURT. As a species we are easily hurt, both
physically and emotionally. Both
“hurts” are to let us know that something is wrong. It is usually easier to tell what is hurting physically then
emotionally. Emotional pain is
about some actual or perceived rejection by someone we are connected to and it is
important to us keep them around.
This is often where things go off the rails in relationships. Keeps us all hopping and keeps us all
in line.
So what is to be done about hurt feelings? Hurt needs relief and salve on the
wound. If there is no relief, hurt
quickly becomes whining, victimization and constant complaining. If relief is forthcoming the hurt turns
into a learning experience and growth.
The hardest of all answers is to talk about the hurt. A lot of people are afraid to do this
because the belief is that what ever the hurt is can be used against me and
just makes the hurting endless. The alternative possibility is something important is
resolved.
This is an important opportunity in relationships to get
closer or start the distancing process. As we have said in our book, love is courage;
this can be one of those points.
