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This month, April, it has been 40 years since I found
Sharon’s body, I buried her April 17, 1978.
So, I decided that has been way long enough to be lamenting her death. I
put away the memorabilia I keep around to honor her death day and her burial. All the music I listen to on those days
and all the pictures, tokens, cards and memories, safely tucked away in their
respective niches where I keep them safe.
Surprise! The
same thing happened when I tried to do this after 5 years, I started feeling
angry and unhappy and lost track of why.
The connection to grieving is tenuous and hard to keep in mind. But the kicker this time was I turned
the hostility inward, against my self. I felt all the guilt about letting everyone down, all
the angst about “what ifs” and “if onlys”.
I began to
interpret behavior and remarks as signs that I am unloved and unlovable.
This was a nasty reminder that not staying current with my
feeling, especially grief, always leads to even more grief .
So whether it is 5 years or 40 I still have to honor her
death and my grief.
That’s true of all humans. In my practice, the central issue is, astonishingly often,
some significant loss.
Don’t listen to those who tell you to “get over it”. The death of a child is not something
one “gets over”.
