April

April

April is always a difficult month for me. The thirteenth will be the 33ed anniversary of her death and the seventeenth of her burial.  I wonder what this year will demand of me to honor those ever-lonely two days.  I never get to know ahead of time, nor are the remembrances usually exactly on the days themselves.  Some years are harder than others.  I can feel the grief raising as I write.  There is a huge part of me that just wants to hide and not say a word to anyone.  The old messages of “Don’t be a burden”, and “This is a downer” are still strong.

Both of those messages have the ring of truth.  It is a burden to hear someone so sad and it certainly is a downer.  I am personally weary of being a bereaved parent, but that is what I am stuck with, those who care about me are stuck with that aspect of me.  Again it is the list of people I can call on this year.  Actually few seem to mind as they each have their own pain to cope with, and I can return the favor when they need.

Still, it is hard to ask for help even though that is what I do for a living, listen to people in all stages of struggle. 

This year has been one of the easy ones.  As I was thinking what to say in this blog, I was flooded with many sweet and moving memories of her, like some of the cards she made for me or bought for me, she loved me fiercely no matter how bad I was, that is a sweet memory.

On her tenth birthday we went bowling and had a “sleep” over.  What an irreplaceable memory of giggling and screeching way into the night, I don’t know if anyone got any sleep, that is a happy memory.

The way she would run up and give me a big hug, then run off to what ever she was doing. That still moves me deeply.

How do you commemorate those days after so many years?