Depression is always the leading edge of
grief. This is an important phase
in recovery from significant loss.
This is the rebuilding time after a shattering experience and all the
little bits and pieces that take so long to accept need to be put back
together, often in a different configuration. When people don’t know what they have lost they often get
stuck in this awful place. It is that black place where shame and self-loathing
override every rational explanation.
Any change is loss, wheather it is good change or bad change, and all
loss requires some grieving. Grieving is on a continuum, from the death
of a loved one, all the way to “Oh rats, I lost my umbrella.”
The built in mechanism for dealing with this wide range of feelings is the
grieving process, which is as necessary as any other human process.
Almost anyplace is preferable to
grieving. Grieving means feeling
what was lost and reexamining the old vow to stay away from that place at all
costs. These old vows &
choices have nothing to do with thinking but everything to do with survival
strategies and tactics of a very young child.
It
is a place where you feel like a fraud and every achievement, victory or success
is just luck; no one could love someone like you because you are flawed with no
hope of redemption. This keeps you
safe and from asking for anything.
This place keeps you safe from anyone getting close enough to see the
real you, ugly, bad and worthless.
Keeping
frenetically busy and “on” all the time works amazingly well; it fools
everyone, even sometimes yourself. It is just when you slow down there is that black hole
pulling you in. This was Robin
William’s style and when he slowed down he was faced with all those
unarticulated, inexplicable overwhelming feelings that he had no understanding
of and no skills to handle.
The
flip side of busy is going very still, being quiet and withdrawn, that is also
safe and people usually leave you alone.
The operative word here is alone, because that is all you believe you
deserve. It is the place of
silence and despair. Where the
attempt to climb out of the pit just doesn’t seem worth the effort. You look normal and go through the
motions of daily life, but you just aren’t there. You are deep in the pit.
There
are many ways out of depression, but only one resolution, or way to heal. Why is this so hard and scary? The short answer is that
grieving is a change agent. Once
we start, there is no turning back.
We can never be the same.
That seems to be the purpose of grief, to create a path from one state
of existence to another; a before and after. There was life before my daughter’s death and after I buried
her. The only way I found to
survive that pain and dislocation was to grieve out loud. It was all about rebuilding my life and
myself after the A-bomb. Most
people think grief is only about death but as I have said in other posts, all
change is loss and demands letting go, grieving.
Some ways to grieve:
Crying is the most effective and
the most difficult because crying is so all consuming. Crying is also the fastest form of
healing..
Walking and talking with a friend over
time is healing.
Writing or journaling helps put
into words the experience, poems, songs, anything to keep grieving.
Some people find drawing;
scribbling or painting relieves that burden of pain and isolation.
Grief requires comfort and
support. That is usually found
within friends, family, community or faith.
Grief always takes longer then we
want, it is important to let it happen.
The long answer is that deep grief
changes our perspective and challenges everything we have believed and all our
cherished philosophies about the meaning of life. It realigns priorities and fundamentally alters how we
relate to others and ourselves.
Grief always cuts through our carefully built defenses and drags up any
unresolved issues to be dealt with or reburied. Like Godzilla it tromps on the orderliness of our lives and
leaves a trail of rubble.
It
actually is scary because we don’t understand the intense, all-consuming nature
of our own grief and just want to stop the pain and confusion. Given
all the possibilities of how the process can go awry, most people somehow
manage to get through and recover.
Usually with grace and dignity.
It is a continual tribute to the human spirit, and I am always
impressed.
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