Chapter 1
Grief Is Not A Joint Venture
Grief is a lonely, isolating event, no matter what the
loss. Grief gets more people in trouble
with themselves and others than any other problem. It’s easy to get focused on sex, or money or
“You are just a jerk” because those are things you can do something about. You can’t bring back something lost. Since all change is loss, we live in a time
when we are constantly losing something or someone.
Often, we are surprised and taken aback when our partner and
others we rely on aren’t “helpful” at all.
In fact, they seem to be at odds with what we need. For example; we recently moved from Montana
to California to be near our children and grandkids. We lived in Montana for 20
years, so leaving was difficult, even though it was our choice and desire to be
nearer our family as we age.
Leaving Montana was more difficult then we had “planned”
for. This was our dream home on lots of
property that we had lovingly “parked out” to be a wildlife refuge and a place
for people to meet and renew themselves.
We happily achieved both those goals, but as we got in our 60’s and slid
into our 70’s, we just couldn’t manage the enterprise well any longer. It also was emerging that our health is fading,
and it would be smart to close down our dream in Montana and rebuild our lives
near our kids, while we were still young and healthy enough to rebuild.
That move turned out to be more painful and difficult than
we anticipated.
I have lost count of the number of times I have had to
rebuild my life. Certainly, after the
death of my daughter, then breast cancer, then parents and many furry
friends. It is always the same whatever
the loss. It has taken a while to
realize that people really haven’t let me down, there is just not much anyone can
do except walk by my side. It has been
an unpleasant truth that Morrie and I have to be very careful to remember what
the real cause of our dissent I and not descend into bickering and squabbling
over nonsense.
The feelings are often intense and immediate, so it is often
hard to pull back and realize that the real source of my pain is because I miss
what is lost.
No, grief is not a joint venture.
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