Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Grief Is Not A Joint Venture

Chapter 1

Grief Is Not A Joint Venture

Grief is a lonely, isolating event, no matter what the loss.  Grief gets more people in trouble with themselves and others than any other problem.  It’s easy to get focused on sex, or money or “You are just a jerk” because those are things you can do something about.  You can’t bring back something lost.  Since all change is loss, we live in a time when we are constantly losing something or someone. 

Often, we are surprised and taken aback when our partner and others we rely on aren’t “helpful” at all.  In fact, they seem to be at odds with what we need.   For example; we recently moved from Montana to California to be near our children and grandkids. We lived in Montana for 20 years, so leaving was difficult, even though it was our choice and desire to be nearer our family as we age.  

Leaving Montana was more difficult then we had “planned” for.   This was our dream home on lots of property that we had lovingly “parked out” to be a wildlife refuge and a place for people to meet and renew themselves.  We happily achieved both those goals, but as we got in our 60’s and slid into our 70’s, we just couldn’t manage the enterprise well any longer.  It also was emerging that our health is fading, and it would be smart to close down our dream in Montana and rebuild our lives near our kids, while we were still young and healthy enough to rebuild.
That move turned out to be more painful and difficult than we anticipated.

I have lost count of the number of times I have had to rebuild my life.  Certainly, after the death of my daughter, then breast cancer, then parents and many furry friends.  It is always the same whatever the loss.  It has taken a while to realize that people really haven’t let me down, there is just not much anyone can do except walk by my side.  It has been an unpleasant truth that Morrie and I have to be very careful to remember what the real cause of our dissent I and not descend into bickering and squabbling over nonsense. 

The feelings are often intense and immediate, so it is often hard to pull back and realize that the real source of my pain is because I miss what is lost. 

No, grief is not a joint venture. 

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