I Can't Find The Magic

Another day has come and gone, like thousand of other days and I can’t find the magic to be OK again.  Not for myself, not for my clients and not for all the grieving people I try to comfort, I feel at the end of a long road at the edge of a cliff that I can’t negotiate anymore.  I can’t find the magic

Life feels

futile

&

sometimes absurd.

Why then

do I

go on?

Because, I

love

this world

&

have

to know

what

tomorrow holds.

The Trouble With Grieving

Well, number one on the list is that it really sucks,

Number two on the list is how much I am sick and tired of being controlled by one feeling.

Number three on the list is how much of an outsider it makes me.

Number four on the list is how much grieving has changed me

Number five on my list is the isolation due to every griever being engulfed by their own sorrow.

Number six on the list is the enormous effort it takes to build bridges across those chasms and up those cliffs.

  Sometimes I

am tired

of grieving

&

protest so much

pain

I cannot seem

to

ever get

finally through

Roz said,

“Don’t try”

“The pain of her

death

is part

of

keeping her

alive

in

you”

Your Death - Poem #2

  

              Your death has

split me

wide open,

I am gutted

like a  steer

freshly slaughtered.

Your death

has spared me

nothing

in horror,

in terror.

in guilt.

What I didn’t expect,

had no way

of knowing,

was that the

depth I

plummeted to

would

also find

new depths of

living

&

loving

&

laughter.

A Bridge Back To Better

There is such an unbridgeable chasm between the bereaved and the non-bereaved that feels sometimes hopeless.  But slowly the sun rises and the bridge back has been to never stop grieving.

The most

creative

task

I have

ever

accomplished,

is

to find

new

meaning

&

value

out of

the

absurdity

of

her death.

Grief Changes Eerything

From the moment of “knowing”

           

            To the end of my life

                        Her death has turned me

                                    Upside downand inside out making me over

The changes are unseen

            As is the pain of her death

                        As the changes in my mind

                                    As the changes in relationships

                       

As is the earthworm turns the soil

            As it always has done

                        As it aerates the soil

                                    So grief changes everything

 

Weariness

I am so weary of death and dying’

            Weary if ISIS growing the club of bereavement

                        Weary of trying to convince people that the healing is in the grieving.

                                    Weary of the long, unnecessary suffering.

Weary of being embarrassed that I am who I AM

            WEARY

                        WEARY

                                    Weary           

Life

goes on

&

so

do I.

As though

Sharon

never

existed.

Except,

I

know

she

does.

Alone

Alone

The saddest most alone feeling in the world

Is to be with people I love and that love me

And to feel that forever distance and difference

The longing to go back and be able to belong

Is a physical need that can never be satisfied

Such a mystery of how to be and yet, never be the same

I remember when I didn’t understand others grief

And thought they should just “get over it”

Then Sharon died and I was alone in a different universe

I still am.

Alone is different from loneliness, I am not lonely,

Alone is a place where no one can go with me to comfort or help

Because no one else can see the rips and tears in my soul

No one else can see the hole in my gut

No one else can feel the wrenching, devastating pain of the death of a child

I never know when or why this place will descend on me and consume all joy,

peace or fulfillment.  If I don’t fight the need I get through and come out the other side a little wiser and life goes on.    

When I

am

all  alone

&

the universe

is

only

my pain & grief.

That is

when

I

know most

deeply

what

it

means

to be

human.