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Stage 6
The
final stage is called "In Memoriam." This stage is not mentioned much in the literature but seems
to belong because so much has been created out of significant losses. It is the
need to do something creative, useful, and meaningful - to create some personal
meaning out of an event that seems meaningless and often absurd. There are many examples of this, such
things as foundations, support groups, books, etc. This kind of writing is mine.
Some final notes: Grief cannot be denied; only
delayed. When people try to deny
and suppress it grief shows up in physical symptoms, due to the stress of so
much control. The physical
symptoms most closely related to grief are any number of chronic upper respiratory
illnesses. The hard part is that
these are also very real diseases.
It is more an association then a one to one cause/effect. But over the years I have noticed that
people who have experienced loss, and not grieved, tend to catch cold more
often and their colds last longer.
Grief comes in waves that are relatively short in duration, and very
intense. This intense expression
of deep feelings leaves one feeling dazed and stunned - briefly - then there is
some relief, until the next wave.
Between the waves, life goes on as usual. Eventually the waves of grief get further apart, less
intense and less devastating - like a receding tide. Grief and guilt go hand-in-hand. Guilt is woven throughout
the process. It is so profoundly a
part of our humanness and is the result of being imperfect and often
impotent. As we face our
limitations, the guilt gradually disappears. There is so much in life that we have no control over and no
say about. We are stuck with what
life deals us. Our freedom is in
how we choose to deal with that hand.
Given
all the possibilities of how the process can go awry, most people somehow
manage to get through and recover.
Usually with grace and dignity.
It is a continual tribute to the human spirit, and I am always
impressed.
Arleah K. Shechtman
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