As the years have passed since you died, the changes in me
have made me stranger and stranger.
The first few years were simply full of pain suffering and
an intense longing to have you back.
Learning to breathe again was a major achievement.
Healing all those connections to you continues to this day.
The first change I noticed was how little tolerance I had
for chit-cha, seemed insipid to me in the face of what I wanted to talk
about.
The next thing I noticed was that no one wanted to hear
about your death. In fact, as soon as
people find out I am a bereaved parent, the start drifting away, that is still
true.
Certainly, my priorities altered dramatically.
The profound loneliness and aloneness has altered me and
taught me much about me and everyone’s humanness.
It would be easier, safer and nicer if I just walled myself
off or permitted myself to be bitter and cynical, but I have made different choices,
to honor your life and my love for you.
I take my strangeness with me wherever I go and I get
strange reactions from people, mostly they don’t know what to do or say, most
folk turn away.
What impact I have, I can’t say, but to do otherwise feels
like a betrayal of all you have meant to me and a discount of my grief in your
profound loss and all the hard work I have done to have a rich and deep life
without you.
Arleah
Oct 2019
No comments:
Post a Comment