Weariness

I am so weary of death and dying’

            Weary if ISIS growing the club of bereavement

                        Weary of trying to convince people that the healing is in the grieving.

                                    Weary of the long, unnecessary suffering.

Weary of being embarrassed that I am who I AM

            WEARY

                        WEARY

                                    Weary           

Life

goes on

&

so

do I.

As though

Sharon

never

existed.

Except,

I

know

she

does.

Alone

Alone

The saddest most alone feeling in the world

Is to be with people I love and that love me

And to feel that forever distance and difference

The longing to go back and be able to belong

Is a physical need that can never be satisfied

Such a mystery of how to be and yet, never be the same

I remember when I didn’t understand others grief

And thought they should just “get over it”

Then Sharon died and I was alone in a different universe

I still am.

Alone is different from loneliness, I am not lonely,

Alone is a place where no one can go with me to comfort or help

Because no one else can see the rips and tears in my soul

No one else can see the hole in my gut

No one else can feel the wrenching, devastating pain of the death of a child

I never know when or why this place will descend on me and consume all joy,

peace or fulfillment.  If I don’t fight the need I get through and come out the other side a little wiser and life goes on.    

When I

am

all  alone

&

the universe

is

only

my pain & grief.

That is

when

I

know most

deeply

what

it

means

to be

human.

Breavement

Bereavement is a condition that never clears up

No matter how hard I try, it is always there

The pain

The emptiness

The changed me

The scoldings for not being over it

The loneliness

The shame

The guilt

The tears

The longing

The fear

The rejection

                                                                       Her death is

no

guarantee,

no insurance,

that I

will

not

lose again.

There is no

way

to

protect myself

from

further loss.

That is deeply

frightening.

What do

I

do with

that?

Well,

I guess

I

notice

how precious

today is

&

how deeply

Silence

Silence of the grave

Silence surrounds me in my sorrow

Silence because no one wants to hear

Silence because grief is too scary for most

Silence because there are no adequate words

Silence is golden

Silence allows me to redo my point of view

Silence is safe from all the scoldings

Silence is wondering why I keep writing and posting

Silence is a place to die or grow

I didn’t experience “phases of grief;” I just felt overwhelming pain. The phases of grief are: shock and denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. I wish I could be like those people who put their grief somewhere else and never shed a tear. I grieved loudly and often for at least the first year, upsetting many folks that wanted me to shut up and take some pills. That always seemed like a dishonoring of my daughter and her life. She was that dear to me. Not grieving her death would have been to discount that. The stress of being stoic is immense, and a killer of those who choose not to grieve.

That was choice number one on the long journey back from destroyed to rebuilt: simply to grieve.

Grieving is not something we have to learn; it comes with the package, and it is part of the human condition. Evidently, it is an evolutionary mechanism for humans to be able to deal with the pain of grievous loss. We learn to recognize the symptoms and stages. The really hard part is to learn how to express our grief in ways that are healing. Who wants to be sad in such a chirpy culture as ours? Better not to say anything and suffer in silence. But that brings its own problems.

Poem # 1

 I am astonished

by how

stunned

broken

wounded

I am

by my child’s death

I am astonished

by the

depth

breadth

pervasiveness

of my

pain in her loss

I am astonished

by how

the loss

of love

hurts

I am astonished

by how

living

love

heals

Poem # 14

Expanded consciousness

is simply

dealing

with

the

pain

&

living

my

life.

I am able

to be

reduced

to raw, open

pain

&

come back

whole.

I Wish

I wish I could undo her death

I wish I could go back to the old me

I wish I could stop upsetting people

I wish the pain would stop

I am glad you have your child

I am glad you can continue as you

I am glad you can be PC and never upset anyone

I am glad you don’t have that pain

I wish there were no gap between us

I am glad you don’t understand

I wish there were a safe place for me

I am glad you don’t have that search

I wish

                        I wish

                                                I wish…